Friday, July 18, 2008

Counselling

I had been seeing a counsellor a little while back. I have issues with my anger, depression and severe anxiety. Zoloft helps balance everything out to some extent, but there are times when I feel like it is all getting on top of me and I have trouble coping.
Previously, after my daughter was born (in late 2004), I had a pretty bad time of it, and was diagnosed with post natal depression (although it was determined I had been suffering from depression for many many years). I was paranoid about my daughter - in particular, that she would develop leukaemia or be kidnapped. The thoughts plagued me; although for example, when we were out shopping I didn't look over my shoulder every two seconds, I was scared it would happen - that someone would take her from me.
At odd times thoughts come back - like today, we were at a play centre and she wandered off wearing her sunglasses. I heard a child cry and the image popped into my head of my daughter having been hit in the face wearing her sunnies - and I saw the picture of her eye popped out, hanging down, and her cheek cut open from the plastic lens cutting her. It was as clear as day. But the thoughts are not as persistant as they were after she was first born.
Another thing I had bad trouble with was my anger. My daughter had colic and reflux, and screamed for about 3 or 4 hours every afternoon. I usually ended up in tears next to her, screaming at her to be quiet and go to sleep. I was paranoid about her sleeping. If she didn't get a nap at the right times I was almost beside myself. I am a little like that now, at bed time. Anyway when she was a baby I had a terrible time with anger towards her. It's all wrapped up in being an IVF mum. But they were the three conditions I suffered with - depression, anxiety and anger.
So I had been seeing a counsellor just recently as my doctor (God love him) was worried about me coping with the FMS, the IVF and my daughter being so active. The counsellor was great, gave me some wonderful coping mechanisms that for the life of me I can never remember to do when I am getting stressed or angry. And after four sessions we agreed that we'd see how I went on my own, and if I had trouble to make another appointment And more so after the baby was born, to head off PND again.
And I am wondering if it is a failure on the part of the counselling or myself that I can't remember the techniques when I need them most!

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